By Thom Greene
I’ve written about the hazards of absinthe over-consumption, cycling the world’s most dangerous road, dining on tarantulas with South American natives, hallucinogenic Ayahuasca rituals, all good tough-guy articles, but one of the most confronting is the one I’m about to tell you – having “the snip” … a vasectomy – and under the wife’s orders too!
Consider me a bit old-skool, but I grew up thinking that priests couldn’t marry and have families.
Now I’m not a church-goer, but my brother is.
So when I attended my niece’s baptism, my first time in a church in about 15 years, I was surprised to be chatting to the Anglican priest there after the ceremony, a good AFL-loving bloke even though he’s based in Sydney’s Western Suburbs, and he announced to me that after four daughters, he had “the snip”.
Never have I remembered a cup of tea in a church so vividly.
Upon telling this to the wife, who has done me the honour of bearing two fine young sons and a heart-melting daughter, she suggested that I might see a refreshment of our parentally-fatigued passion should I join the good Brother, or Pastor, or whatever the heck this chap was, and undertake this harmless little operation myself.
Her promise was made, and a woman always keeps her word, right?
Before going through with it, I contacted a friend of mine who lives in New Zealand.
He had recently gone through having a vasectomy, so I asked him what it was like.
Prepare thyself, dear (male) reader, for a horror story …
“yes, I have been neutered
it did not go quite as planned so I have had a bit of complications
The local did not work for me
So they had to give 3 times the shots and I still moved which caused the doctor to accidentally cauterize a muscle that goes down my left leg
So five weeks later and I am still in a bit of discomfort and get the occassional painful charly horse (cramps)
but I would still recommend it unless you want to start a franchise
also, you may have thought you had blue balls before, it is nothing like getting the snip
I walked around like a cowboy for a week with balls the size of two fuzzy kiwi fruits
no exaggeration”
Needless to say, this recount sent shivers up my spine and between my legs.
But … I Still Went Ahead Anyway …
After a few weeks of putting it out of my mind, I finally accepted that I could get through even a horror story scenario like the one above, and decided to go to the next stage of looking for a suitable vasectomy clinic or doctor.
After looking around on the internet and talking with friends, we realized we could go to a urologist (specialist surgeon) who would charge us around $3000 for the operation and then we would pay hospital fees and anaesthetic fees on top. We then found Gynaecare, which is a specialized GP practice in Artarmon, on Sydney’s Lower North Shore. They offer a whole range of services, of which vasectomy is just one. The price was far cheaper than going to a surgeon, with enough change out of a grand for some fine dining once the job was done and I’d got the all-clear.
I turned up at the Gynaecare clinic, feeling pretty nervous and a bit hungry. I had opted to have intravenous sedation, which is not a full on general anaesthetic but provides some intravenous cocktail to make you incredibly relaxed and feel great. As I was having sedation, I wasn’t allowed to have anything to eat or drink for 6 hours prior to the procedure. The waiting room was small, but everyone was friendly and the receptionist checked my details.
Handling the Private Parts
I was assessed by the doctor who was to provide the sedation. She went over my medical details and made sure I knew what to expect. An important feature is to rest for the first few days and then take it real easy for the coming week. No tennis or bike riding for me! She was clearly an expert and that reassured my that I was in good hands. After I got changed into a sarong type garment I walked into the operating room,and was introduced to the surgeon; Dr. Craig, who apparently has done about 8000 vasectomies! That was great; I had confidence in the practitioners. I still had a feeling of anxiety around privacy, embarrassment even, especiallty the idea of unknown women handling my private parts! The sedationist got an IV in easily and talked with me about my family and job, and before I knew it I was on cloud 9; I didn’t even feel the local anaesthetic which gets injected into the skin, just in the middle of the scrotum where they make a 1cm incision; to do “the snip”.
Having a vasectomy was quick, painless and took about 25 mins; It was over before I even realised. A couple of stitches and then “We’re done” !
There was no pain during procedure, and I felt relaxed and cared for from beginning to end.
I had been feeling a bit apprehensive about what to expect after the procedure. If you read too much or ask around, you’re bound to find some nightmare stories about balls the size of melons and lots of pain.
However, I figured I would do as I had been told, as apparently the resting after the procedure makes all the difference; A bag of pea wrapped in a tea towel, and some paracetamol, lots of DVDs and tender loving care from the missus. I couldn’t have ridden a bike, nor did I want to – but generally there was nothing worth complaining about and we had normal sex three days after the operation. There was no pain! I got an erection and came as usual. Afterwards, the main sensation was heightened relief!
We’d been told that we weren’t safe from a contraceptive perspective until we had a letter giving us the all clear. We needed to use normal contraception (condoms in our case) until I had provided a sperm sample, that proved I was shooting blanks. That took about a month in my case, though it can take a bit longer if you don’t have sex or masturbate that often. I did have a bit of a check up two weeks after the procedure. It was probably a bit irrelevant, but needed, and once again I felt reassured I was in good hands.
Looking back on it now, I realise having a vasectomy is simpler than people make out. Men make a lot of noise about it, but I now recommend it to my closest friends. I have no regrets. The best thing is not have to worry about having that birth control, or baby conversation. And no more morning after pills!
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